The biggest Fear

Sometimes I must write in English here. All of my thoughts are too heavy to be writen in a way that people who speak portuguese, mainly my friends and family could understand. I just need to explore my feeling and write about them. It'd be easier if I could write here in french or even in another language, but as I spend all day long speaking English, it's more confortable.

I love my life and who I am, however I can't run away from my flaws, needs, and difficulties. I get sad when stopping and thinking about things I have to have or to be in the future. It seems so far from now. I'm dedicaded, hard-working, I'm enjoying more than never being a teacher, it's amazing. The salary is good, but not enough to my needs, unfortunately. I wouldn't care about money if I had it, but I don't. So, What should I do in this life? People always tried to tell me what I'm supposed to do. I got sick of that. So sick that now I'm the one who makes decision for himself.

There are day when all I want is to close my eyes and sleep. But no, it's not possible, because if it happened when I'd open my eyes, things would be even worse.

Focus, I'm learning how to handle it. No, it's not easy, but it's worthed. My family, my friends, my loves, I've got them in my mind, and they are all respected, however, my I can't help my mom and sister with money (and that's what we need right now) I can't give enough attention to those who I may call friends and Love? well, I had two, actually one and a half and they failed in such a way, Gosh. I've never cried as I cried when I was coming back to Brazil and I'd stay away from that English Girl who showed me what love could be, or worse, I've never cried as those days when my ex broke up. After all, She was all to me, I was in love after one year in love with a girl who was in England. I fell in love and three weeks later I was dumped! I got so sad, I'm not sure if I believe in love or no, People change quickly, when you think they love you, then then start hating being by your side and helping you.

Wow, After that I felt infatuation only. Only would turn into love, but, again, She quit. Wow. Am I the problem? And these days, like today, are the days  where I cry, where I can't find myself in another one to rely on and just hear "You'll be OK". No I can't hear that because people (some) just want me to kiss and more if possible. No I'm not into this, I'm not this kind of boy.

I'd say I'd scream to be relaxed, but there's no strenght or will to me to do this. I cry, I get sad, and If I could Vanish I would. Actually, I fell alone and that's my biggest fear I have to face now.